Disclaimer: If you love Disney, don’t read this. If you love theme parks in general, don’t read this. If bad language offends you, don’t read this. However, if you want a laugh and some raw honestly – this is for you.
I am writing this guide because when I searched for one for myself, I didn’t find it. And based on my loosely collected data, I know that I am not the only one who dislikes theme park vacations, especially when they are paired with the false-feeling cheer that awaits you at Disney’s Magic Kingdom. So here goes…
Day Zero – Traveling
If you live in the Seattle area like we do, it will take you a full ass day to travel to Orlando, Florida. We were up at the crack of dawn, parked in offsite parking, and then had time to find a light breakfast at the airport. We flew American airlines; I tell you that because it’s important to Tip #1.
TIP #1: Always pack snacks for flights because airline food (and even airport food) is not a guarantee.
As a mom, I packed snack bags for all of us, because I don’t play around – but Brett (my partner) insisted that there would be food on the airplane. He was wrong. American flew us across the country (SEA to CLT) with one full beverage service, one half-assed one (“need anything else?”), and one tiny bag of pretzels. They didn’t offer food for sale. Thanks, American Airlines!
TIP #2: Book your rental car directly through the agency, or else you’re fucked when it’s a busy week.
We flew CLT to MCO and landed. We’d booked a minivan through Avis, and Avis… of course… had no minivans. Brett prepaid for the minivan through a third party, which was a mistake. We ended up with a Chevy Equinox which barely held 5 of us, and our 6th kid was set to arrive mid-week. This meant that Brett spent a lot of time mentally thrashing about whether Avis would have a minivan mid-week when we needed one because the sixth kid had arrived.
Avis will (and did) hold their remaining inventory for their members, and will shrug and tell you it’s xx car or no car at all. Legit, the Avis employee just shrugged and said “you’re welcome to cancel entirely if you won’t take the car we’re offering.”
Tip #3: Disney Springs is fun.
We rallied after checking in to our AirBNB and went to Disney Springs. We waited in line to park our car, and this was the first indication that we had chosen a bad week to travel to Disney. When you have to wait in line to PARK YOUR CAR to get into Disney Springs? OMG.
BUT, for those of us who are Disney skeptics, Disney Springs is fun. It is like an outdoor mall with great restaurants. We weren’t able to get a reservation at any of the restaurants when we looked months in advance, so instead we walked up and asked to be put on the list at Frontera Cocina (after trying multiple places).
At Frontera, get the Chicken Flautas and Chips/Guac for your appetizer. Get many margaritas, also delicious. For dessert go over to Ghirardelli. Skip the frozen hot chocolate and head straight to their cookie sundae and salted caramel sundae. I’m lactose intolerant but enjoyed a few bites anyway (sorry, Brett!) – and their hot fudge sauce is legit.
Also with Disney Springs, there are beverages for sale everywhere. It’s dreamy. I walked around with a margarita and enjoyed every sip of that $20 beverage. Note: now is not the time to worry about calories, because your mental health is important and you are going to walk MILES in the Disney Parks every day. My motto was as follows, “eat up and drink up, because this is a fucking vacation.”
Accommodations
Let’s talk accommodations. We weren’t able to find a single hotel room on Disney property (planning 5-6 months in advance) because it was so crowded. Instead we found an AirBNB that was 10 minutes away and had 4 bedrooms. The AirBNB was lovely and allowed each teen to have their own space. It had a tiny pool (we paid to heat it) which was great for a dip after a hot day in the parks. It also had a mega pool in the neighborhood with a lazy river, slides, a hot tub, and a bar/food. THAT was fantastic.
Accommodations – Pros? Lots of space, way cheaper than staying on a Disney property, ability to eat from DoorDash and grocery stores and offsite Starbucks at cheaper prices. Cons? You get none of the magic hours, lightening lane priority and other onsite benefits.
I promise the rest of this post will go faster.
The toolkit you’ll need to survive the varying theme parks as a middle aged mom: Less Drowsy Dramamine, lots of coffee, water bottle in a small backpack, comfy cotton leggings (to absorb sweat and avoid chafing), Advil, a few snacks, and gum. Oh and money – a ton of money to pay the exorbitant Disney prices.
Day One – Magic Kingdom
I rode all of the rides except for Space Mountain (because, puke). We did Splash Mountain, Thunder Mountain, Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, Monsters Laugh Floor, and the Swiss Family Robinson rides. For some of these we had the Lightening Lane, and for others we didn’t. And honestly, riding the rides and waiting in lines with my family was far preferable to waiting for my family on a hot curb in the sun, alone.
I have never seen crowds like we experienced! We waited an hour for Dole Whip, people, and note that we ordered ahead and still waited that long. That shit is delicious, though. Oh and the lines are so long, you should make sure to pee before you get into them. Our wait for the Haunted Mansion was about 1 1/2 hours, and I was exploding by the time we got on it. I could barely see the ghosts but for the pee I was swimming in.
Also? The food in Magic Kingdom is rather awful and repetitive – Mickey pretzels with cheap cheese dipping sauce, churros with chocolate dipping sauce, Mickey ice creams, and fast food for lunch (hot dogs, burgers, fries). I managed to find a Greek salad that was about a cup and a half of lettuce, olives, diced sad tomatoes, and Ken’s Greek dressing. The most I can say about the salad is that the lettuce was fresh. None of this food was worth recommending. And the Magic Kingdom doesn’t sell alcohol.
My biggest beef with the Magic Kingdom (and really all of Disney’s parks) is the lack of seating. I saw grandmothers perching on curbs, moms with infants leaning on fences, and families trying to eat standing up. What the hell? Maybe the intent is to make you desperate enough to rent a stroller or wheelchair? Or to make you so hot and grumpy that you pay the $5.00 for a Diet Coke, or $7.50 for a soft pretzel?
That night Brett and the oldest boy went back to the Magic Kingdom for more while the rest of us passed out early (jet lag and general fatigue).
Day Two – Hollywood Studios
No, just no. This is Brett’s favorite park because while it’s a small park with a small number of rides, the rides are great. When we walked into the park, the ride with the shortest wait was Indiana Jones – at 45 minutes. We chose instead to try the Star Tours ride, but just as we got into that line, the closed Star Wars Rise of the Resistance ride opened. Brett literally said – RUN – and we did. We ran, dodging through people, until we got there – and there were LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE RUNING TOO. We still waited 70 minutes, sweaty and sticky, to ride Star Wars Rise of the Resistance, and yes it was SUPER COOL (even to me), but WTF. Note that by the time we actually rode that ride, the wait behind us was 3 hours.
Lunch was at Ronto Roasters – a folded pita with sausage, pork, meat, and cole slaw. Skip – it’s like a fancy hot dog. I got a green milk with tequila. Skip, unless you reallllly want that tequila.
As we walked up Sunset Blvd., I found my place! I highly recommend the Sunshine Day Café, which is a walk-up bar. Get the Blackberry Fizz drink – it’s the most affordable, and it’s delicious.
At this point in our day, the youngest (11) was melting, so I took her and we left the park like two little rebels. Back at the AirBNB we had a dip in the pool and a nap. The boys (two teens and Brett) stayed and kept on keeping on.
Day Two – Evening at Epcot
Epcot! The girl and I met up with the boys in Epcot, and if I had to pick a place in Disney World that is my jam, this is it. Go to Canada for the Ottawa Apple Whiskey drink, and England for the fish and chips. Stop in France and visit Les Halles for the pastry and bread (get the strawberry custard tart and the jambon/beurre/cheese baguette sandwich especially). Go to Italy for a glass of sparkling wine (and you can ask for a 10 oz portion if you’re willing to pay $22 for it). Germany is great for beer (Brett imbibed) and you much stop at the Werther’s shop for some Werther’s caramel popcorn – it’s delicious.
Next up – China. Get the hibiscus and blueberry boba tea. We waited in line for all of this – so while I’m making this sound fast, it TOOK ALL EVENING. We ended our day on the Spaceship Earth ride, which was seated and air-conditioned, and the kids liked it.
Day Three – Animal Kingdom
I liked this park, even though it was hot as fuck. It was full of shade trees and animals and it had good food. We rode the Kali River Rapids, which was fun. While you wait in line you can watch monkeys swinging in trees nearby, which helps pass the time. For this day, we set goals:
Finley’s goal – see an alligator
Julia’s goal – get a Night Blossom slushy drink (she saw it on Instagram)
Brett’s goal – do the new Avatar ride
Blake’s goal – go on the Dinosaur ride
And my goal? Count the sleeping animal carcasses on our Safari ride. Note: we got a Lightening Lane for the Safari ride 1:30 p.m., so I figured the animals would be deep into their siestas by then.
We all accomplished our goals except for Brett, because the wait for the Avatar ride was 2 1/2 hours, and I suppose Finley because we saw crocodiles not alligators. I counted 23 sleeping animal carcasses.
My recommendation? Eat at the Satu’li Canteen, and get drinks from the drink stand next to it. Julia got her Night Blossom slushy and I got a frozen margarita. For lunch I ate fried tofu (the kids had shrimp) and it was delicious. We left the park around 4 p.m. and then went back to the AirBNB to go to the big pool.
That night we went back to Epcot and no wonder we were so fricking exhausted by the time this trip was over. Go to Mexico and get the empanadas, chips, guacamole, and the Top Shelf margarita. The kids then wanted Ramen in Japan; the lines were long and the wait was ridiculous but they got it. It was fine. Skip the wings – they were unnaturally orange flavored and rather gross.
Day Four – Universal’s Island of Adventure and Universal Studios
This was when we should have been taking a beach or pool break, but we didn’t – we KEPT GOING. I didn’t plan the itinerary, but holy shit people – take breaks!
That said, I immediately liked the vibe of Universal better than Disney, because it was more straight-forward, less ‘happiest place on earth.’ I downright laughed later in the day when we got yelled at by a Universal park employee for standing in the wrong place when trying to get some lunch. This was when I realized we realllly weren’t in Kansas anymore. I was delighted.
The kids and Brett started with the Velociraptor ride, and I found air conditioning and seating in the Jurassic Park Discovery Center. I waited for them for an hour. This became the theme of the day, and it ultimately made me feel downright tantrum-y. I did one ride in the morning – the Jurassic Park River Ride.
Lunch was in the Harry Potter hellscape at the Three Broomsticks. It smelled like a sad cafeteria in there, and my youngest refused to stay indoors because the smell made her nauseous. We had our sixth kid with us and she was high, literally high, on energy drinks. Note: Harry Potter world is probably magical, but it was so crowded we really couldn’t even see it.
Fish & Chips are your best bet at the Three Broomsticks, and get the frozen butter beer (it’s non-alcoholic). I tried the beef pasties and they didn’t taste like the pasties I have had in the UK. I mean, they were edible. You could also go for the turkey leg if you have a strong stomach and no real curiosity about how they made a turkey leg that big. The turkey leg is the size of a femur.
That afternoon we did the Spiderman ride, which was fun. The family did a few rides including the Hulk ride. We then went BACK to the Harry Potter hellscape and this was when I started to lose my mind. It was hot, crowded, and I was tired of being alone. Just typing this is giving me anxiety. I found a literal watering hole (I think that was its name) between Jurassic and Harry Potter worlds, and I got my first alcoholic beverage of the day. I drank that drink angrily (after waiting for about 45 minutes for it), and then decided I was ready to go ‘home’.
But folks, we had only done ONE of the Universal parks and hadn’t even gone to the second one yet.
So we took the Hogwarts Express to the other park, Universal Studios, while I mumbled to myself like a crazy psychopath. When we arrived, I told Brett I was toast, and one by one the kids started melting down. They did one more ride – Rip Rude Rocket – and I took the youngest to the Hello Kitty store. THEN WE LEFT. On our way out we got Voodoo Donuts – highly recommend.
Day Five – Back to Hollywood Studios
This was the last day. My kids refused to get out of bed to go to another park, and Brett’s youngest was sick so he stayed ‘home’ too. I rallied and went to Hollywood Studios for one last morning so I could spent time with the oldest girl teen who arrived midweek. Brett and the oldest teen rode rides. I got waffles and a mimosa from Scoops – DELICIOUS AND HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Then lunch (nothing worth remembering), and back to the AirBNB for the big pool and relaxing.
Some of the kids and Brett went back to the Magic Kingdom that night. The rest of us got DoorDash.
Day Six – Flying Home, and THE END
Long ass day of travel, and nothing remarkable enough to share here. We were all exhausted. There was some drama getting through security at Orlando, but we made it onto our flight.
How do I wrap this up? Ultimately I survived the week, and then declared that I would never do it again, haha. I did it for the kids, and I survived! If you want more tips with less cussing, read Brett’s blog post here.
If you agree to take your family to Orlando for the parks, I wish you the best of luck and hope you know that you are NOT ALONE if you don’t enjoy every minute of it. Hit me up, and I’ll meet you at a spa for a deep massage afterwards.
You’re such a terrific writer! I laughed, I frowned, I counted myself lucky that I will never find myself at a Disney park.