Where We Get Real About Alcohol – VERY REAL.

In this post, Madonna and I get vulnerable – to the point that we have both squirmed a bit in discomfort at the thought of sharing these very real things. But this topic – alcohol – is so very important, that we both decided to just do it. Here goes…

Emily: In our last blog post together, you mentioned that you had “made alcohol small and irrelevant in your life.” I’m on a journey with alcohol myself, and would love to learn more about yours.

Madonna: Yeah, let’s GO there 🙂 So, I have made the choice to quit drinking alcohol. I don’t say I “quit drinking” because I’d be pretty critically dehydrated if that were the case, it’s just alcohol I don’t drink. It was a long period of contemplation and attempts to reduce/moderate and then I just left it behind, it’s been about 14 months with no booze at all.  

Let me start by saying something pretty radical, and against the “social norms” – you don’t have to be an alcoholic to stop drinking alcohol. Whaaaaa???? Yeah, it’s true. If you subscribe to the label of alcoholic and it serves you, great. But, like many things that we now see on a spectrum, it’s alcohol use disorder (AUD) and on that spectrum, I had a problem and I wanted to be free of it.

Emily: Oh I didn’t know they had officially created a spectrum for alcohol use. A quick Google search and HERE IT IS. Oh my. Why does it make me uncomfortable to read that? Because of the truth in it, most likely. 

Stories are Powerful – We’re Sharing Ours

Madonna: I didn’t drink in high school, or college, not much in my twenties, some in my thirties. But by my 40s? Game on. And some shady sneaky behavior snuck up on me. And I became mired in shame and didn’t dare talk to anyone about it. I tried making rules (only drink socially, only drink on the weekends, etc.) but they didn’t stick. 

So I signed up for Annie Grace’s Alcohol Experiment, a 30 day online event. I loved it, and with that I quit for about 6 months a few years ago. But then I started again and once again, found myself drinking and not being happy with it. And every time I started back it was stronger than it was before. So, I had to really dig deeper.

Emily: Yesssssss. Sorry to interrupt, this is about you. But when you said “shady behavior,” I immediately related and wanted to know more. WHAT SHADY BEHAVIOR? And I promise I won’t leave you hanging. 

Madonna: I think the heart of all shadiness was being dishonest. Dishonest with myself, and dishonest with others. Always wanting to be who I thought I needed to be and then feeling resentful and that led to me sometimes just taking my toys and walking away leaving people really devastated. I’ve taken short cuts. I’ve hidden behaviors around drinking and just hidden in general. Had a little skirmish with the law.

So yeah, shady on all levels. It’s not a cute list, but it is a real list and now it’s my job to not get stuck in the shit and to stay present and honest. Someone recently gave me a compliment I really value – that they never feel judged by me. I pointed out that having been a real asshole on occasion, I have no room to judge, there’s no moral high ground, there’s just the ground we all stand on. 

Emily: All right, lady. That’s some real shit. And I love this quote – “there’s no moral high ground, just the ground we all stand on.” YES!

A little of my journey here – just so Madonna doesn’t feel alone. I was a legit teetotaler in high school and in my early college years. I don’t know why my mother ever worried about me, because I was a GOOD KID. Some of my friends were religious, and we did God shit and sang God songs and went to bible studies. I mean, that’s a parents dream, no?

I did find my way to alcohol in college. Fast forward, I don’t think I got serious about alcohol (besides wine and beer to party with) until I discovered bourbon, and even then it was a hobby. In my late 30’s, I started to party hard with some other families in my neighborhood, and whooeee we had fun. It was probably around this time that alcohol became a little too important to me. That’s how I’ll describe it. 

Fast forward to the pandemic, and being home ALL THE TIME. This is when things went from ‘girl likes to party’ to ‘girl makes sure there is alcohol at every event she attends’, to ‘girl has a drink or two every night of the week.’ Even still I didn’t think it was a problem because I don’t get drunk, ever. But I was SO in the habit of having my glass of something in the evenings, that I would silently resent taking my kids to evening activities – because that meant I had to wait (or skip) my nightly beverage. 

BUT STILL, it wasn’t something that I thought was a problem, because alcohol culture is real. We glamorize the hell out of drinking. It wasn’t until life got REALLY REALLY hard this year (2022) that I started to question the alcohol. My anxiety has been through the roof and I have been legit unhappy. I worried about my liver. And most telling was my nightly alcohol habit that wasn’t even giving me the buzz it used to, because science (tolerance levels/brain chemistry = real).

MY shady shit? I started hiding the amount I was drinking. I started to contemplate ways I could steal a sip of something because my moderate glass of bourbon wasn’t doing it for me anymore. And I knew that this wasn’t healthy, but I felt trapped. I would take a night off from drinking every time it started to look like I really had no control, just to be performative about HOW MUCH IN CONTROL I WAS. I was embarrassed by myself. I’m still embarrassed even to type this, because what the fuck!

Madonna: Nah, don’t be embarrassed, you’re going to find that sooo many people will read this and go “yep”. And the pandemic brought this out in a lot of people. It’s amazing to just pause and look at a behavior and get curious, which is what you are doing. Be curious without judging it.

Alcohol is a Drug

Madonna: I’ve gone through a journey of several parts – one was learning the truth about alcohol. If someone stops smoking, we say “that’s fantastic, how can I support you!”. Same with losing weight, reducing sugar, honestly even stopping other drugs (and news flash, alcohol isn’t a separate category, it’s a drug). But when you say you stopped drinking you get alllll kinds of weirdness – because as a society we have accepted it as a norm. So you get a lot of “ohhhh I didn’t know you had that problem” etc. 

But here’s some truths – alcohol is a drug. Alcohol is a Class 1 carcinogen. Alcohol messes with your brain and your hormones and causes all kinds of fucked up responses. For every 20 minutes or so of good lift you get from one drink, you get hours of downward slope. It increases anxiety and depression. It’s poison and in fact it’s chemically what you put in your gas tank – for realz! 

So, the facts themselves weren’t enough. I needed to dig deeper, to bring some false beliefs I had about it to my consciousness and then had to really examine why I was using it for escape, because that’s what I was doing. I was using it to escape the shitty relationship I had with myself. And guess what? It didn’t kill me to look at some hard stuff, in fact it set me free.  

Emily: Note to the reader – I invited Madonna to PREACH about this, because stories are powerful and so I wanted to hear hers. Also, because my own questioning of this substance led me to read a bunch of books, find other questioning people on Facebook, and take a peek at ‘sober Tik Tok’ myself.

Shame is a Bitch

Madonna: I had been carrying a level of shame about who I am for my whole life. And as long as I was in that space, I couldn’t fully embrace life. So now my mantra is No Secrets, No Shame, No Giving Up. And I’m healthier and happier in every way. Perfect? Nope. Free of shit in life? Nope. 

In fact, in the last year I’ve dealt with major changes in my parents’ life and health, moving them into assisted living, moving Peter’s mom across the country and just down the street and all kinds of other life stuff. But, I’ve dealt with it, I’ve felt all the feelings and learned to be more present.  

Alcohol kept me tied to thought patterns and old stories and by jettisoning it, I’m so much lighter. I don’t run around in the streets with a sign that says “ALCOHOL IS THE DEVIL”. You wanna drink? Drink. I just don’t want to.

Emily: Ooof – big year. I shamed myself in this blog post, above, haha, so I’ve got you.

Madonna: Repeat after me “no fucking shame”!!!! Shame means you are a bad person and you aren’t. 

There’s so many absolutely bullshit messages we are bombarded with about alcohol every day and I’m not buying that shit anymore. It doesn’t relax me, it doesn’t make me younger, it doesn’t help me fit in.  So I’m adding it to the list of shit I don’t do – I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t kick puppies, I don’t poke myself in the eye with forks. I just don’t.  

Emily: But kicking puppies is fun! 

So you gave it up entirely?! That’s amazing. I am not quite there yet, but I’m on a journey and the ending has yet to be written. What I HAVE done is given up the daily habit entirely. If I want to go on a date with Brett or with some friends and have a drink, I plan for it – it’s an event. Thus far it’s working because I’m a determined bitch who believes in science.

At the suggestion of my therapist, I downloaded an app called Dry Days. It’s super basic – it just helps you track your days, and it counts for you – the number of days you’ve stayed dry, the amount of money (and units of alcohol) you have saved. It’s right up my alley because data is fun and I feel proud when I see the cumulative days I have skipped drinking. 

I also realized that habits are a bitch that need to be reprogrammed (thanks to the book, Atomic Habits), so I replaced my nightly alcohol with a glass of Kombucha or probiotic soda. We’re trying a bunch of different types (which is fun), and we only drink them in the evenings. Doing this tricks my brain into thinking I am having a special beverage, without the alcohol, and I am finding that it works every time. 

Madonna: That’s awesome! I love Dry Days too! Some people like tracking, some don’t. Some people stop drinking, some people just change their approach. I like the notion that Annie Grace talks about – changing your relationship with alcohol – it leaves room for everyone’s personal journey. For me, I just know in my heart that I’m better without it, and I don’t have that much room for decision fatigue as I get older so it’s one less thing to decide! I mean for some reason I put my deodorant stick in the bin where I put my hair products (so many hair products) and it took me two days to find it….I don’t need any more challenges in my life 🙂 

What’s Next…

Madonna: I’m now embarking on a path I never saw coming – I’m working on becoming certified to be a Life Coach, centered around helping people change their relationship with alcohol, or change thought patterns that cause them suffering or hold them back.  I want to help other people reduce their suffering quicker than I reduced mine.  Feels super weird to even say it, but I’ve tapped back in to the best part of me that says fuck it, I don’t care what anyone thinks, I care about being in integrity with myself.   

So if anyone is reading this and wants any resources hit me up, seattlered@mdog.org.  Think you have secrets too dark so share? You don’t – everyone is human, everyone fucks shit up sometimes. Just curious? Good, go with that feeling and examine things.   

Emily: I love that, Madonna. Everyone is on their own journey, which is what makes life so rich. Thanks for sharing all this – it was wonderful.